


The First I Love You

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6188236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert attempts to tell Aaron how he feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what this is but I wanted to write something for my friends birthday and this happened, let me know what you think.
> 
> This is for you My Livesy <3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY

They lay there, in the aftermath of their love making, Robert propped up on his elbow, looking down at a sweat glistened Aaron and without thinking he just let it slip out,

“I lov.......”

“Don't,” Aaron suddenly jerked up.

Robert looked at him the confusion clear on his face.

“Don't what?”

“Please don't Rob,” Aaron begged, placing a finger against his lips to stop the words from falling out.

“I want to,” Robert mumbled around Aarons touch.

“I'm not ready,” Aaron admitted.

“It's not about you Aaron, well it is, but…….,” Robert said his voice trailing off as he took Aarons hand in his.

“Those words confuse things,” Aaron whispered his mind wandering back several years. 

“But it’s how I feel.”

“I......” Aaron started to look lost,

“I can't say it back.”

Robert looked at him then, really looked at him and realised Aaron was scared.

“Jackson,” Robert sighed, breaking their connection and laying his head back on the pillow.

It was one of the only subjects they hadn't really talked about but Robert knew enough.

“Once you say it you can't take it back,” Aaron said quietly, more to himself than anything.

“Just forget it,” Robert sighed again and sat up swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

He made to get up, grabbing his boxers and pulling them on as he climbed out of the bed.

“You’re leaving?” Aaron asked barely a whisper.

Robert turned and looked at Aaron, the hurt clear on his face; he gave him a sad smile.

“Only to go to the bathroom, can't sleep like this,” he said looking down at the white flaky remnants of their love making splattered across his stomach.

“Oh,” Aaron blushed. 

As he watched Robert leave the room he couldn't help but feel like he’d let him down somehow.

 

After what he’d done to Jackson he didn't deserve to be loved, didn't feel worthy of anyone's love, and to have Robert, the perfect man, in Aaron's eyes anyway, almost say those words to him made him feel even more undeserving. The fact that Robert knew more about his past than Jackson ever did didn’t help, Robert had seen Aaron at is very worse and yet somehow was still there, still willing to be with him even after learning the truth about Aarons childhood.

It's not that he didn't love Robert, he did, he had since that first Christmas, the day he witnessed the real Robert, the one that only he got see, but if he said it out loud again it became real, it became something that he could once again use against him. Not that he would now, he knew Robert well enough to know that saying those words had taken a lot for him and he wouldn't say them if he hadn't meant it. But he didn't actually say it, Aaron had stopped him. He knew why, knew the reason he stopped him was because of Jackson, because of the way the same conversation with Jackson had gone, saying those words scared him more than anything. Not only that, they’d both gone through so much together over the last few months, what with the pending trail and the arrival of Aarons sister, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to say those words to anyone again let alone Robert. When Jackson said those words to him it was the first time he'd heard them, and he hadn’t known what to do. He didn't know how to respond, if he was supposed to say it back, but how could he when he hadn't known what love, real love, was which wasn’t surprising considering Gordon was his role model.

Jackson had known him better than anyone back then, how he closed himself off so he didn't have to deal the hard stuff, but look where that got him, hurting himself and he had the scars to prove that. He’d tried to let Robert in, had told him about the scars once before, he was the first person to notice that something was wrong when his Dad reappeared but the one thing they hadn’t really spoken about was Jackson. Jackson had been the first person to really see Aaron for more than what he was, he’d seen right through all the bullshit and taught him everything, taught him how to love. Jackson and Paddy. The only two people to give a damn about him, well there was three now if you included Robert. Of course they hadn’t known the full story back then, not like Robert did now, and still loved him apparently, Aaron just couldn’t wrap his head around that, even after everything Robert knew had happened to him that he still wanted him in that way. He'd gotten better about expressing his feelings over the years but it was still hard. His heart had been closed off, not only that he himself had been closed off for so long. Until Robert. Somehow Robert had gotten under his skin. But the truth was he was scared, scared to let anyone get that close again. Everyone who had ever been close to him had gotten hurt, Jackson had ended up dead. He knew that any second now Robert would walk back through that door and tell him to forget it but he couldn’t, the words would always be there even if they were left unspoken. He wanted to run away, to bury his head in the sand so he wouldn’t have to deal with enormity of the situation. His breathing was becoming erratic with panic, what if Robert ran away this time just like Jackson had done because he couldn’t say it back. He didn’t want to relive old memories but perhaps it was time to tell Robert the things he’d been holding back, maybe then he would understand why he was so afraid to tell him how he felt.

  
Robert had been stood staring at himself in the bathroom mirror for far too long, cursing himself for how stupid he'd been. He knew Aaron was afraid to love, had been told by Vic a little about Jackson but Aaron himself hadn't revealed much, just about the scars, he couldn't really avoid that subject. Of course he knew Aaron a lot better than Jackson ever had, had been by Aarons side through the trail, had seen that man get the punishment he so truly deserved. And he'd been so happy laying there next to him, looking down at his beautiful face the words just kind of slipped out, well almost before Aaron had freaked out. Well he was pretty freaked out about it too. He’d just told another man that he loved him, well, almost. Sure Robert had said it to Aaron before, more than once in fact but those times it was what Aaron needed to hear, he never thought he’d be the first to say it like this, as a statement, he’d never been the first to say it before and when he had said it in the past it was always an automatic response to someone else’s love. But this, what he had with Aaron was different from anything he’d had before. It wasn’t that he was incapable of love, but his upbringing wasn’t overly warm. His father had always been distant with him, even when he was right in front of him; it had only gotten worse when Andy arrived. He never knew his real mother and although he loved Sarah it wasn’t the same. He’d always wanted his father’s love; always wanted him to say it but it never happened. He’d been left feeling like the unloved child until he learned he couldn’t rely on anyone but himself. He’d shut himself off, became a liar, a cheater, just to get what he wanted but that all changed when he met Aaron. From the very first moment he laid eyes on him he knew he was different. He’d finally met his match and he couldn’t be happier. There was still so much they didn’t know about each other but it didn’t matter to Robert, he knew who Aaron was inside, loyal, pure, too good for him if he was honest but all that mattered to him was how he felt about the man currently in the other room, probably just as scared as him, if not more so considering what he’d had to deal with over the past few months, not only telling someone about the abuse but standing up to that man in a court room had taken everything Aaron had in him. He sighed again, he didn’t know how to make this right, he didn’t want to take it back exactly but he didn’t want Aaron to feel uncomfortable either. He finished cleaning himself and turned, pausing with his hand on the door handle. What was he supposed to say? That it was okay if Aaron didn’t love him. But that wasn’t true was it? Deep down Robert knew how Aaron felt even if he wasn’t ready to admit it himself and maybe that was enough for now. He took a deep breath and pushed through the door.

As his eyes found Aarons the relief on his face was evident,

“You came back,” Aaron croaked wrapping his arms around himself for protection from what he wasn’t sure.

“You think I wouldn’t?” Robert perplexed at the sadness in Aaron voice. 

Aaron shrugged, a million things had ran through his mind all of them ending with Robert leaving.

“Just because…………..” Robert pushed his hand through his hair, he didn’t know how to say that even if Aaron didn’t love him back, he would never leave him, not until Aaron told him to go, so he didn’t say anything, instead he just whispered,

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

A silent sob escaped from Aarons chest and he began to rock back and forth on the edge of the bed. 

“Robert can we talk about this.”

“It's fine Aaron, let's just forget about it.” 

And there it was, the automatic response Aaron was expecting, but he didn’t want to just forget it, he wanted, no needed Robert to understand. 

“No, I don't want to, I want you to be able to be honest with me.”

“I was and you freaked out,” Robert said sadly folding his arms across his chest almost defensively.

“I know, I know,” Aaron cried,

“I'm sorry.”

Seeing the way Aaron was pulling into himself Roberts arms dropped but he made no attempt to close the distance between them. 

“It's okay, I just don't understand your reaction, I know it has something to do with him,” Robert couldn’t help the venom in his voice. 

“Jackson,” he clarified when he saw the tension stiffen across Aarons shoulders as he thought he’d meant his father. 

At times, especially before Aaron revealed his secret to him, he felt like he was competing against Jackson for Aarons affections and somehow he always won, how was Robert supposed to beat a dead man? Not that that’s what he wanted, he didn’t want to taint Jacksons memory, far from it, he just wanted to be enough for Aaron and the thought that he wasn’t terrified him more than saying those three words did. 

Any anger or resentment he was feeling disappeared as he saw the hurt flash across Aarons face. 

“I didn't mean it like that,” Robert said softly, finally closing the distance between them and sitting by Aaron on the bed and taking his hand in his.

“You can tell me or not tell me, but I do Aaron, you know……” Robert nodded,

“I meant it, and I'll say it every day if you let me.”

Robert ran his free hand across his face and sighed,

“But I won't say it again, not until you’re ready.”

Aaron gave him a slight nod in thanks before turning slightly and pulling Roberts hand into his lap, 

“There are things you need to know.” 

“About him?” Robert asked quietly not wanting to startle Aaron in any way because maybe, just maybe Aaron was about to finally let him inside that head of his. 

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Robert nodded giving Aarons hand a gently squeeze in encouragement.

“I’m scared Robert,” Aaron sobbed.

The fact that Robert could hold his heart in his hand and choose to drop it if he wanted was something Aaron wasn’t ready for even though he knew he would never feel for someone else, even Jackson, the way he felt about Robert. It was simple really he loved him. He was scared to show the final part of himself to Robert, he already knew too much and if Aaron dropped the last barrier and talked to him about Jackson, Robert would know him completely, and that thought terrified him even more than saying the three little words back to him did.

“I know and it's okay, come here,” Robert wrapped his arms around Aaron's bare torso and pulled him close. 

He kissed Aaron's hair and ran his hand down his back in an attempt to soothe him. Soon the kisses turned into something more urgent as Aaron's lips found Roberts. If Aaron couldn't say it he would show him, show Robert how much he cared.

“Aaron, Aaron,” Robert breathed,

“You don't have to.”

“I want to,” Aaron blushed as he pulled back to look at Robert his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes rimmed red from his still flowing tears.

Aarons mouth was once again on Roberts, his tongue pushing against wet lips begging for entry but Robert held him back, not because he didn’t want him but because he wanted to make sure Aaron was alright.

“Aaron please,” he begged needing to know what was going on in Aarons head.

“You don't want me?” Aaron cried at Roberts rejection. 

“Of course I want you, I'll always want you but I want you to want to and not feel like you have to, to prove how much you care,” Robert pulled back and wiped away the tears still falling from Aaron's face. 

He leant in and kissed away the rest of his tears, pulling him in again, wrapping his arms around him to just hold him close, nothing more, the simple gesture causing Aaron to let out a small sob against his chest. Robert laid back down and cradled Aaron in his arms until his sobbing subsided and he heard the rhythmical breathing that indicating he was close to sleep. He raised his head to see if he was indeed asleep, he could see his eyes were closed so he decided to risk it and utter the words again, for his benefit just as much as Aaron's, he knew there was still so much about the lost broken boy in his arms he didn’t know but none of that mattered now. 

“I love you,” he breathed into Aaron's hair and it felt good to admit it, to say out loud the thing that had scared him the most since meeting Aaron, the fact that him, Robert Jacob Sugden, could love another man, unconditionally and want nothing in return.


End file.
